You found him on a "social network". U never met, but he sends u pictures and sms's everyday. U refer to him as "flyGTI". You love him. Yes? No.
Dirty girls around the world believe that sex is a major part of a relationship. Or at least physical contact. Yes, we do feel guilty that we don’t respect the third date rule, so mentally we have made contingencies to rationalise sleeping with you after a week. Every interaction suddenly gets classified as a date. “I saw him at the shop, that’s one… then he drove past to the chemist and waved. That’s twice...” By the actual Friday night date you’ve already been out together four times in her head. Whether it was to "MuggnBean" or "Waajieds", you are getting laid tonight.
Now, Dirty girls by default are gorgeous. We know we are. So, we don't need mxit to emulate our social lives. Three types of people are allowed to cyber date.
1. The morbidly obese
2. The disabled
3. Ugly People
But alas, we are human. We fall prey to social fads, and I would bet money that every dirty girl has fallen into this new age trap...
There’s a saying that has been overused for the last few years, but has been relevant in my life recently.
“When I was young, we had a Social network. It was called ‘outside’.”
A new age parable of sorts that has defined my last relationship. Ladies, a new yet common mistake we are making is dating “the cyber Bf.” The break up went something like this:
“Delete me.”
“I can’t, you delete me, and it’s what you wanted.”
“You never chat to me anymore”
“I’m never online”
“Just delete me man, you used to it. You always take more than four minutes, who you chatting to?”
“Fuck this, I’m deleting you. Goodbye forever”
“Ja, goodbye forever. And soema delete me off fb, what I can’t see won’t hurt me.”
(They even start referring to themselves as their nickname.)
“Ja, peace out. Rozay”
“Nobody calls you Rozay”
“Fuck you. Goodbye forever”
DELETED.
He lives down the road. So I guess it’s goodbye forever, or till I see you at B.P.
Sound familiar?
Unfortunately, in true shana style, this is not the worst of my online dating experiences. 2008 was a good year. It was prepregnancy and I was still under the false impression that I could meet a decent, stable guy in a Cape-town chatroom. (Note: if he is looking for a date in Capetown 11, there is bound to be a catch, READ: Sexual predator) But this time I was on the other side of the spectrum. I was about to become his "I met this taatie kin once" story that must have given his friends hours of comic relief. This was the evening that I found out first hand that Cavendish does actually have a holding cell in the basement.
My friends birthday lunch at Ocean Basket seemed like the fitting occasion to meet "Maddog". He declined my invitation, but agreed to fetch a group of us afterwards and take us home. So, being the only guest without a plus1, ordering a "Fishbowl" seemed harmless. An hour later, I found myself (as most Dirty Girls often do) intoxicated and in a "Yes, that seems like a good idea" mood. Ocean basket started to feel like grandwest and I found myself standing at the till, pushing CAPS LOCK and laughing to myself at how nobody knew I'd stolen the airfreshener from the toilet. (I also hooked up with a waiter in aforementioned lavatory, but I remember snippets only, so I'm not counting it). I eventually got over it. I sat down. The evening continued. We paid the bill. I called Maddog. He was waiting outside. And then it happpened.
"Sorry everybody but we've had a security breach".. The manager locked the door. To make a long story less embarrasing, after watching the surveillance tape with all the staff on duty and "toilet guy", I was handcuffed and escorted by security through the cavendish link, pass maddogs car, into the holding cell until claremont SAPS collected me. The cells three other occupants from manenberg, lavender hill and "Bontas", respectively, weren't too impressed by my obviously lightweight charge.
"Naai, ek het haai kin gestiek toe se hulle ek gat mang".. I am paraphrasing ofcourse, she continued for a while about numbers and "sitting kring with the mongrels", I didn't catch it all through my internal screams. I did however feel grateful that the constable took away my shoelaces, because as he so eloquently put it " just now they choke you". Thanks dude. Sincerely.
When my brother in law fetched me at 3am I felt a flood of emotion. I was relieved that Samsoeniesa and friends didn't strangle me. I was sad that Maddog saw me handcuffed in Cavendish and had probably deleted me by now. I was happy that I atleast got some action from the sexy waiter guy.. But mainly I was grossed out by the pube I found the next day, stuck in my premolar.
Moral of Todays Dirty girl life lesson: Cyber dating will end up in someone getting hurt. You are gorgeous, and when the time is right, a decent, confident man will approach you F2F and ask you on a real life date. Then you'll have the opportunity to Fuck it up in person the way dirty girls are supposed to.
I was given a six month Ban from Cavendish, but I walked pass there recently and smiled. I looked in the window and thought. "Tsek, naaiers, I still got your air freshener".
GTG
Till next time
S
