For generations, men have had the power to drive the most mentally stable woman to the brink of insanity. Every woman, (dirty or clean) has had a boyfriend that has cheated, lied and stolen her cell phone. Usually, this is the guy we love unconditionally. We rationalise with ourselves that he’s going through a phase because his mother died, (five years and counting). He’s from an abusive background. He’s white. We use anything to stop ourselves form being alone. Anything justifiable. Dirty girls however, know how to find a cheater. We know the signs. Because honey, more often than not…. We’re the other woman.yes, we've made him answer ur calls while he was inside of us... Laughing as you said "I love you baby, when you coming?".. We've waited for you to leave for work then gotten ito your bed/bath/shower, and left quarter to five, just before you got off the bus. And we've already discussed our alibi with him for when you phone and ask "hi, is something going on between you and ryan?"... But, as dirty girls of note, If we assume that you are unfaithful, we will corner you. Our minds go into overdrive about every woman you know, why you know her, and why the fuck she wants to know you.
We even stop making sense:
“Why did you write on her wall? Oh, you both smoke? Do you think of her when you smoke? Do you smoke Rothmans because of her? Oh God is her Middle name Rothmans and that’s why you smoke it? That’s it. Fuglybitch Rothmans Jonas. Oh god, you made love didn’t you? Get the fuck out. I hope Rothmans makes you happy.”
Sound familiar? Yes, I too have fallen prey to the “nervous-breakdown-boyfriend.” According to Dr. Vicki, that inner dialogue was sufficient to getting me a 7day stay at the exclusive “Crescent Clinic.” A mental resort of sorts. (Read: Lentegeur for the medically aided.) Apparently talking to myself was indicative that my proverbial trolley had indeed rolled out from under me. Allow me to digress.
Ah, the summer of 2007. We were young. I was 18. He told me he was 18. Then 17. Then 16. In retrospect, when I remember the blonde mowhawk I had styled myself by pulling chunks of my hair out,it might have indirectly contributed to him losing interest in me. Women seem to play the whole relationship out in their heads at the first meeting, then spend the rest of the relationship being disappointed that said bf didn't follow protocol. None the less my stay at the clinic taught me valuable lessons about how to spot a liar, cheat and all round crazy. Yes, most of the patients were women. Ranging from my OCD room mate that unpacked my bag and folded all my clothes while I was sleeping( I am almost fully convinced that she watched me every evening while I slept, calculating, planning to kill me, colour co-ordinating) to the woman down the passage that kept asking if I had stolen her green lighter and if she could use my "Veet". Everyday. For seven days. I assume her dermus has grown back by now, atleast.
Nonetheless, in the common room I'd hear the women swap stories about their respective spouses and how they'd each come to taking the forced sabbatical to Looney-Town. A common denomitor was a man that lied, or cheated. And said-motherfucker didn't have to be a repeat offender either, it takes just one time to make a dirty girl jump off the deep end.
Now, I am all for empathy and listening to sob stories by women scorned, but I can't help pointing out the obvious tell tale signs that these men were no good from the beginning. I have been lied to myself, numerous occasions. I may have mentioned some of these before, but I feel it necessary to highlight the top five of my favourite lies men have told me throughout my dating years. Some might seem familiar to you, others, well they just say a lot about the men I attract..
5. I know I see her a lot, but I don't want her. Yes, we used to date, but she's my best friend now, I can't delete her.
4. My family is in the mafia. They smuggle drugs and there's a big shipment coming in soon.I shouldn't have told you but they found out you know and said I can never see you again. I'm sorry, but I can't have that on my conscience, if anything happened to you...( I'm still embarassed by this one.)
3. I love you.
2. I own media 24
(And my favourite, that always gets my friends going at social events...)
1. I won the powerball. But donated it rather.
You see, men lie and cheat because its in their DNA. There is no underlying cause, no cure. Besides, they stopped manufacturing a decent strain of man in the late 50's. All you can do now is hope to find one whose bullshit you can tolerate and show him your "crazy" a little bit at a time, so that he's too scared to cheat on you because he knows you'll snip it off. Well atleast till he marries you. That ceremony is figurative castration on its own. So till you meet "that special someone" , play them at their own game. Tell them what you think they need to hear to get you some action. And whatever you do, don't give them the power or opportunity to drive u crazy. If you do, there's a very hygenic hairless woman at crescent clinic that would love to meet you. .
Till next time
S
Brilliant!
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